is…

Elwood!

Elwood was rescued by the New Jersey SPCA and is a Chinese Crested Dog which may or may not be the ugliest dogs ever. They have cornered the market on upsetting looking dogs. He is sure ugly, but he’s no Sam who was euthanized for heart problems in 2005.

Sam was like the Crypt Keeper’s dog though I’ve heard that he was a sweet creature that doesn’t stop the fact that he haunts my nightmares. And, now they can both haunt yours!

Its cute and very bizarre!

I had my story, The Cherub’s Ditch, rejected by Torquere Press which was depressing as hell. But, I still have vaguely offensive funny videos on Youtube to console me.

I bring you: HOUSE OF COSBYS!

This isn’t quit safe for work, I don’t think. Its in the AdultSwim on the cartoon network line of humor. You’ll never look at Bill Cosby the same again!

Miami Sizzle

Mildred Sugarbaker was a just your average virgin widow trying to keep her dead sister’s orphanage for the redhead children of Indonesian skunk miners open when disaster struck. Under the hot Miami sun with only the seagulls as witnesses, one of the children were kidnapped. And now a steep ransom is being demanded — HER VIRGINITY.

Glenn Finkleberg is a ex-SEAL, ex-PI, ex-CIA and current vampire with a shameful past. Seeing the news of the kidnapping, he knows that solving this case may be his last hope for redemption. But, can he let down his barriers and TRUST AGAIN?

As sizzling as eggs on a Miami barrio sidewalk, Glenn and Mildred’s lust threatens to bubble over. The question isn’t what the hell is going on — The question is can love survive when a evil kidnapper, a plot to kill the President with a weather vane, and amnesia is thrown in its path?

———–

What can I say? Glenn Finkleberg just wouldn’t let me go before I shared a blurb of his true love with Mildred.

The fake Tyra Mail from McSweeney’s is hilarious. Here is my favorite:

One of you bitches done stole my Fruit Roll-Ups. Heads will roll tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. sharp. —Y’all know my name

TROUBLING TYRA MAILS CENSORED FROM AIRED EPISODES OF AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL.

I swear on the sacred name of blogger that one day I will write a story where some secondary characters are a funny were-Armadillo and his wife. There must be a scene where the wife puts a upturned laundry basket over the husband when he is in his were-armadillo form because she gets annoyed that him and another paranormal creature were out fighting crime or something. I just had this random thought after reading a review for the Big Kahuna.